The Marriage Helpers

Time-Starved? In a Rut?

2009-08-21T08:29:00.003-06:00

Is your relationship with your significant other 'starving' for time? Perhaps you feel you're in a rut?

Being in a rut, or being bored in the relationship, leads to less closeness, which leads to reduced satisfaction in the marriage. People often think that couples who ‘never fight’ are the happiest; these findings suggest that a happy marriage involves more than merely a lack of conflict (though knowing how to work through problems in a respectful way is also key).

When couples go through new experiences and challenges together, marital satisfaction increases. “It is not enough for couples to be free of problems and conflicts, the take-home message of research is that to maintain high levels of marital quality over time, couples also need to make their lives together exciting.”
So how can you keep things exciting in a marriage--especially when life takes over and you have real responsibilities? The key is to not only communicate and work through conflict in healthy ways, but do things together that are new and exciting. Here are some ways to do that, and maintain a happy marriage:

Have a date night once a week
Try new things- regularly!
Participate in each other's lives (be active and involved in their interests)
Have more fun

Following these steps can help you to enjoy life more, feel less stressed, and experience greater levels of marital satisfaction. Sounds "win-win", doesn't it?

Spouse Cheated? What do you do now?

2009-02-03T20:25:00.003-07:00

Marriage can survive infidelity. It's not easy. It hurts.
There will be anger, tears, and depression. It takes time. It takes a decision to love. It takes a decision to trust again.
It means no garbage dumping. It takes courage. It takes commitment. We believe a marriage can survive an extra-marital affair. But ONLY if both partners are willing to work at making the marriage successful.

Some feelings that are prominent when a couple experiences the accusation of infidelity in their relationship include:
- Shame
-Guilt
-Blame
-Anger
-Hurt
-Disappointment
-Rage
-Embarrassment
-Forgiveness
-Jealousy
-Lust
-Resentment
-Denial
-Mis-trust

Your marriage can survive this onslaught of feelings. However, some marriages are not meant to be saved.
If the infidelity is one of many symptoms of abuse in your relationship, or if your spouse is a serial cheater, it may be time to throw in the towel.

For more information visit: http://www.TheHappy-Marriage.com

Surviving the First 2 Years

2009-01-26T17:33:00.002-07:00

New studies show that couples who lose the romance in their marriage during the first two years are more likely to eventually divorce.

Here are some suggestions;

1. Be prepared for the honeymoon blues.
2. Continue to schedule and keep dates with one another. Don't let romance become a low priority.
3. Discover ways to have fun together.
4. Discuss the big issues like money, inlaws, chores, and sex.
5. Talk about your expectations with one another. Make sure they are realistic.
6. Learn about one another's family of origin.
7. Fight fairly, but fight. Don't avoid conflict.
8. Learn how to compromise.
9. Deal with your differences.
10. Be forgiving.

for more tips please visit:

http://www.TheHappy-Marriage.com

Marriage Mistakes- Top 10

2009-01-21T21:25:00.002-07:00

We're human, we're emotional and we're in a relationship- of course challenges will arise. That being said, why do some marriages seem to thrive and others dive? There is a pattern to Martial problems and issues that people share. Below are the top ten things you need to try and avoid in your own relationship.

Lack of Respect- never badmouth your spouse to family, friends or co-workers. Spouses need to be thanked and appreciated.

Not Listening- pay attention to your spouse when they are talking

Lack of Sexual Intimacy- this is a death knell for a marriage. Seek counseling and medical help if necessary.

Always Having to Be Right- very few people can love a 'know-it-all'. Admit when you've made a mistake or that you don't have all the answers.

Not Walking the Talk- Actions speak louder than words, follow-thru and do something when you say you will.

Hurtful Teasing- don't tease your spouse unkindly or use 'put-down' words.

Dishonesty- Keeping lies and secrets in your relationship creates distance and lack of trust.

Being Annoying- Things like gross personal hygiene habits, always being late, nitpicking, ect.

Being Selfish or Greedy- It's not all about you. Open your home to family & friends, don't hog the remote, watch movies your spouse wants to see.

Having Temper Tantrums- You are no longer a child. Every couple needs to be able to handle conflict in a constructive way. Anger outbursts will make you the loser in the end.

Spouse not Listening to You?

2009-01-19T12:01:00.002-07:00

Nothing is more frustrating than a spouse who won't listen or tunes you out. Why?
The listening problem in your marriage could be related to issues that your spouse has, your method of delivery or more commonly, a combination of both.

People want to know how to make a spouse listen. Bottom line, there's nothing you can do to get your spouse to listen if they don't want to listen. You cannot change anyone but yourself. You cannot force your mate to hear what you are saying or to understand how you are feeling if your partner doesn't want to. Forcing or manipulating someone into counseling doesn't mean that they will truly listen to what a counselor has to say either. What can you do?

Here are some tips on how to be a more effective communicator and listener;

Don't Interrupt
Keep an Open Mind
Make Listening a Priority
Use the Feed-Back Technique
Watch for Non-Verbal Signs
Stay Focused
Remember Gender Differences
Show Respect
Don't Give Advice unless Asked

Poor communication skills can be an inherited family trait. If a person is raised in an environment where people don't listen or can't express their feelings, they will probably bring that inability to communicate into their marriage and other relationships. However, you can change the habit of being a shallow listener.

Time-Starved Marriage?

2009-01-10T21:39:00.006-07:00

The less time you have together, the more things go wrong in your relationships.

Do any of these describe your marriage?

Your life centers around your children & your jobs

You are both pretty exhausted during the week

Your home and life seems to move from one small crisis to another

Time for romance or interacting with one another is saved for weekends along with catching up on chores around the house

So what can you do? Here are some solutions for a Time-Starved Marriage:

Be honest with each other about the time issues in your lives

Focus more on your husband-wife relationship

Make sure the two of you are connecting with each other every day

Don't put yourselves on 'hold', either personally or as a couple. Take care of yourself both emotionally and physically

Say, "No" more often to errands, chores, social activities with others, overtime, volunteer work, meetings, ect

Have at least one date night each month

Send emails to each other and leave love notes around the house

Find ways to make the most of every precious moment you have with each other

For more tips, please visit http://www.thehappy-marriage.com/

Humor & Fun

2009-01-10T20:45:00.005-07:00

Feel like your marriage is missing a little something? Try a little fun! Adding fun and humor in a marriage is a must- and it doesn't have to be difficult or expensive. Today’s couples need to make time to enjoy each other.
Most couples work too hard to really enjoy their life together- they feel that if they aren’t doing something useful, they are wasting time. It's never a waste of time to work on your marriage.

Schedule time for some fun

Spend time with other couples

Do chores together

Loan out the kids for a brief time so you can be together

Spice things up- try something new or different

Learn something new together

Whatever activity you choose, keep in mind that the main objective is to have fun. Resist the temptation to fill the time with conversation about work, bills, or to-do lists. Use the time to enjoy your spouse.
Remember, this time is just as important as anything else you do for your family. Start today and play your way to a healthier and happier marriage.

Dating Your Spouse?

2009-01-07T15:14:00.003-07:00

Are you still 'dating' your spouse? It may be a concept foreign in your relationship but even after years of marriage, you can still keep the spark alive by setting side time to go out on dates. Dating is an important part of a relationship and should not be ignored or neglected.
Here are a few suggestions;

Call your spouse and ask for a date.
When your date is supposed to start, pretend you are picking your spouse up by knocking on the door to announce your arrival.
Bring flowers or candies. Play it up as much as possible. Have fun!
Find a reliable baby-sitter and book him or her in advance for your dates.
Have your children stay with relatives so you can plan weekends alone

Not sure how to go about planning or preparing for your date?

Make a list of things you and your spouse like to do together.
Include at least 10 things on your list. The things you choose can cost money - going to the movies or the theater - or be free - taking a walk on the beach or having a candlelight dinner on the living room floor.
Check your schedules. Set aside at least one day per month for you and your partner to make a date.
Take time to prepare for your date. Act as you did when you and your partner first started dating, taking extra time to feel and look your best.
Hold hands, open doors for each other and lock arms. Be excited and enthusiastic about your date.

Money Problems in your Marriage?

2009-01-05T10:59:00.002-07:00

How serious are money problems in a relationship?

Perhaps it’s not a question of how serious your money problems are, but how much you know about personal finance. It is human to want to avoid problems. To say to your spouse, “if I had known about your spending habits before, I would not have married you”, is a cowardly way of putting the blame on someone else. You entered into a partnership and logically, you should solve your problems as true partners, not as political opponents.

So what can you do? Before you teeter into the path of bankruptcy, tell your spouse you have a major problem to solve. You can try solving it yourselves, but if you end up fighting or arguing, you need the objective opinion of a third party (not including friends or relatives) see a professional financial advisor.

Having debts is normal- about 95% of the population carry debt. The only time it’s not normal is when it begins to rule your life like a hydra-headed monster. You know what that means; too many days in the month and not enough money and you're constantly thinking about money (or lack thereof). This means your quality of life deteriorates because your debt load is too high.

Be smart, be disciplined- stick to a budget and follow a debt repayment program. Work together with your spouse and most importantly, be honest with each other.

Coping with Stress in your Marriage

2009-01-01T20:22:00.002-07:00

The impact of stress and burnout on a marriage can be devastating. Here are some tips on handling stress.

When any of these symptoms start to creep into your marriage, make time together to step back and re-evaluate your life style and commitment to one another.

Do this in a positive way so that you are not creating more stress for one another. Point out to each other the areas of your marriage relationship that are running smoothly.

Physical Symptoms:
· Difficulty sleeping
· Poor appetite or overeating
· Frequent colds, flu, other illnesses
Emotional Symptoms:
· More arguments
· Sexual and intimacy problems
· More anger, irritation
· Low toleration level
· Anxious
· Depressed
· Tense
How to Cope with Stress:
· Eat healthy foods
· Get enough sleep
· Drink water throughout the day
· Make time for exercise
· Have some fun and laugh more
· As a couple, try to spend some time alone together
· Be supportive of one another

For additional free tips and advice, please visit http://www.thehappy-marriage.com/

When to Seek Counseling

2008-12-28T18:14:00.006-07:00

Seeing a Marriage Counselor is not admitting defeat...

it's admitting there is Hope.....

Marriage Counseling is not a last resort- wise couples will seek counseling as soon as they realize that their marriage is facing a problem which neither of them have the experience to resolve.

Marriage Counsel can be difficult

Even though both spouses know that marriage counseling is an important step, actually feeling comfortable with the counseling is a whole different story. It's often more difficult for men to seek outside help for their relationships. They hate not being able to figure something out on their own. Men, by nature, are trained to be independent and self-sufficient; seeking counseling is not a sign of weakness. For men who are uncomfortable with the thought of a one-on-one session, many therapists say group therapy is a good starting point.

Counseling is worth the effort

Remember, do whatever it takes to make it as easy as possible to seek counseling. Your efforts will be well rewarded and you will realize that your journey through counseling not only helped resolve your initial concern, you marriage relationship has broadened and grown to newer heights. Because of a couple's abiding love for each other, they are willing to do whatever it takes to shore up the area of their marriage that was affected by erosion.

A recommended read on Communication Miracles; tools to create More Love and Less Conflict

Should you avoid Conflict in Marriage?

2008-12-26T18:05:00.006-07:00

The short answer in 'No-no'....familair? People dislike conflict and that's a fact. But why?

It just seems easier either to ignore the problems or just accept them, than trying to work out your differences.

The number one problem in marriages seems to be avoidance of conflict. Whether it is not wanting to discuss who takes out the trash or who takes Susie and Johnny to their soccer games, conflict is not something we look forward to. Unfortunately, if the things that are bothering you never come out in the open, then they tend to build up inside you and sometimes it's too late to do anything about them.

If you have already fallen into the habit of 'acceptance', then your significant other expects that that is the way you are going to react so they continue doing what they have always done. Marriage is about compromise. This is so important if you want to have a happy, successful marriage. Even though at times, you want your way, you have to be able to give in once in a while. It's only fair if you both get your way some of the time, and not one person always getting everything how they want it.

When a conflict arises between you and your partner, try to refrain from using the silent treatment. If you really are heated, it may be best to take a short walk and cool off, and then resume the discussion when you are a bit calmer. Give the other person time to cool off, as well. Try to refrain from bringing up the past. There's nothing worse than to hear over and over again about the past mistakes you've made. Keep the argument focused on the current issue. That's what caused the problem in the first place so it needs to be resolved.

Basically, it comes down to not holding everything in to the point of no return. While very few people enjoy conflict, it becomes necessary at times, and can help save your marriage if done in a thoughtful manner.

Get additonal FREE Marriage help here: www.TheHappy-Marriage.com

What Time is it for Your Marriage?

Is Your Spouse Lying to you?

2008-12-22T20:12:00.003-07:00

Why do people lie? Do you suspect your spouse may be lying to you and if so, how would you know? Below are some reasons why people may speak an untruth;

To avoid conflict.
To supposedly protect someone's feelings.
To avoid the consequences of their behavior.
To postpone having to make changes in lifestyle.
To hide something they did or did not do.
Because they are afraid of rejection or losing their spouse.
To be in control of a situation.
To avoid being embarrassed.
To make themselves appear more successful, good, or talented than they really are

The bottom line: If you think your spouse is lying, ask questions and ask for clarification if necessary. Trust your own intuition or that funny feeling you may feel inside.

Is Your Spouse Cheating on you? Click to find out....

Possible Signs of Lying:

Touching chin, or rubbing their brows.
Crossed arms or legs.
Playing with hair.
A line of perspiration on the brow if it isn't a warm day.
Saying "no" several times.
Continual denying of accusations.
Being extremely defensive.
Providing more information and specifics than is necessary or was asked for. Smugness.
May place a barrier such as a desk or chair in front of self.
Uncommon calmness.
Unwillingness to touch spouse during conversation.
Being hesitant.
Slouching posture.
Rigidity or fidgeting.

Of course, some of these gestures may be nervousness or habit- use your gut instinct (it's usually right). So what can you do if your spouse is lying? Some experts teach that when you believe you are being lied to, you shouldn't confront your spouse with your suspicions right away. They recommend waiting until you have discovered more information and facts. Other experts believe that the sooner the cards are all out on the table, and the sooner honesty is lived out once again in a marriage, the better. Only you know what is best for your marriage relationship. Need more advice? Please click for more information!

Marriage Advice

2008-12-02T20:23:00.006-07:00

Somebody asked today; "I need some marriage advice. My wife doesn't think we have a good relationship." I ask,
"What do you think?"
"Oh... I think we are doing fine- she's the one making a big deal."

Isn't marriage a 'big deal'? What are the 'secrets' to a happy marriage or the special recipes? Perhaps there might be some happy marriage tips? Upon further inquiry, discovered that this gentleman wasn't really interested in solving their relationship issues; he wanted a band-aid for fast relief. So how do you save a marriage when one spouse doesn't seem to care?

http://www.thehappy-marriage.com/

You may find some clues here...

Click here for Blissful Tips

Or if you're looking for a faith-based approach...

Look Here for tips to save your Christian Marriage

Join in the Conversation!

A Christian Marriage

2008-12-01T22:02:00.002-07:00

What is a 'Christian Marriage' and what does it mean?

A good friend and I were discussing this very concept the other day and had a delightful conversation. There are various religions, each with their own definition of a 'marriage' and we thought it insightful that the majority preached the same theme;

"As you and your spouse both grow closer to God, you grow closer together."

Picture a triangle with God at the top and you and your spouse on either side. As you both climb towards the top towards God, you're also growing closer together.......

Have you thought about this....

2008-11-26T14:10:00.003-07:00

Read a book titled 'The Difference Maker' by John C. Maxwell, you have probably heard of him as his best-selling books have sold millions (and for good reason)! As I was driving down the freeway, a passage from that book came to mind; "Our feelings come from our thoughts- therefore, we can control our feelings by changing the way we think."

Have you been guilty of saying to your spouse, "You make me so mad!"? I have! According to the statement above, that isn't controlling my feelings.... Emotion is a fickle character. I think there's been an epiphany in my household today; I believe that I have better understanding of what Maxwell was trying to communicate.

2008-11-24T21:58:00.004-07:00

Click Here for an informative, compelling ebook on how to 'Save Your Marriage'.... by Dr. Lee Baucom. A must-read in my opinion!

Have you really tried everything else?

In this book Dr. Baucom explains the '4 Myths' about saving a marriage:

1. You need to learn more communication skills

2. There is only "one path" from the brink of divorce to maritial bliss

3. You can't start saving your marriage if your spouse isn't interested

4. Time heals all

Why are these myths and are you really capable of transforming your relationship?

What do you think? We'd love to hear from you!

2008-11-23T19:13:00.004-07:00

"You are so lucky!"

Lucky? In reference to our marriage relationship- what does that have to do with 'luck'? This statement to me from a young women who was celebrating her 10th anniversary with her husband (a rocky, unstable relationhsip) caught me by surprise. Her comment came after I expressed my happiness with my spouse...she, obviously unhappy. Why?

Upon further conversation, she revelealed details of mutual infidelity, constant fighting, bitterness, lack of respect and much more. It was if I had opened a floodgate of pent-up, negative emotions within her regarding her spouse and her children. I felt compassion upon her and asked if either of them had considered counseling or taken steps to improve their relationship. Her response, "Neither one of us wants to be the first to back down."

Back down from what, exactly? Being miserable? Feeling trapped in a toxic marriage? What could be worse than what they were currently going through?

Some great books to read!

2008-11-10T21:21:00.007-07:00

Interested in learning more? Have discovered some excellent resources to improve your marriage;

Written by Amy Waterman: powerful and proven safe marriage advice

Click here for more details!

Written by Lee H Baucom Ph.D: Save my Marriage...please!

Click for information

2008-11-10T19:39:00.006-07:00

L-O-V-E LANGUAGE

Are you looking for help, some magic 'nugget' of information that may propel your marriage into the next phase or bring back some of that lost spark? Maybe you just want to understand your spouse better (novel idea, that).

Do you know your spouse's love language? You may be asking yourself, "Love language? Never heard of it." What does it mean? If you're like most married couples (including us) you've probably never heard of this phrase. Curious?

Think about this; what does your spouse do that you really appreciate? Perhaps he does the dishes (without being asked) or holds your hand in public. Maybe, just maybe, he likes to bring home spontaneous gifts (for you, of course!). So what is a 'Love Language' and how does that apply to your marriage? Let me share with you a personal story that may help explain...

Once upon a time there was a man and woman who dated for a brief time and then married. They moved to a large city and began building their life together. The man (we'll call him Ryan) worked hard to provide for his new wife. The wife (we'll call her Heidi) also worked, and together they began saving and dreaming for their new home. All was martial bliss...for the first few weeks anyway.
Heidi quickly learned that Ryan developed an annoying habit of teasing and 'picking' on her- always touching and pulling pranks. Ryan soon discovered that his wife, had a a few annoying habits of her own. Heidi did not hold his hand and showed very little signs of affection- was that normal? She also didn't seem to appreciate the flowers he would bring home for her on occasion. Didn't every woman love flowers? Of course, she always thanked him, but after a few days the flowers would disappear into the garbage and his feelings would be tender.
Not that they didn't love each other and have a great time, but...all was not well in paradise.

A little background; Heidi came from a home where the parents were, well -dysfunctional. The father never spoke to the wife or the children except to reprimand and punish. There wasn't abuse; there just wasn't really..... anything. He was a busy father providing for his large family. She was reared thinking that is how a marriage is; the mother cried and stayed at home and the father yelled and provided for the family.

Ryan came from a polar opposite background. He had close relationships with both his father and mother and knew his parents adored each other. Of course, there were the usual problems that accompany a family but they always talked and worked it out.

Back to paradise....

Heidi eventually became annoyed with her husband and vice versa and both wondered why marriage had to be so hard. Heidi, thinking that lack of communication and harboring ill feelings was normal, didn't address these feelings with her husband- ever. Ryan, wanting to keep the peace in their relationship, also never addressed his feelings of frustration.
Fast forward six years....

A friend (we'll call him Brent) came over one day and introduced a book to them called
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Not knowing their marriage was unstable, he just thought it was a great book to read with your spouse. So they did- and it forever changed their relationship- for the better.

http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html

Heidi learned that Ryan's love language was Physical Touch and Gifts and Ryan learned Heidi's love language was Quality Time and Acts of Service. Wow! So the things that Ryan did that would drive Heidi crazy were the very ways he felt loved! Talk about mind blower!

Okay- so now that has been discovered- what are your spouses 'Love Languages'? Curious? Wouldn't you like to know?

There are 5 'Love Languages'......